


before the dawn

by loopunderground



Category: Apex Legends (Video Games)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Fluff, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:00:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27903364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loopunderground/pseuds/loopunderground
Summary: Octane and Crypto have an honest conversation about what it's like to be on the run.
Relationships: Crypto | Park Tae Joon/Octane | Octavio Silva
Comments: 13
Kudos: 35





	before the dawn

**Author's Note:**

> hi cryptane tag
> 
> i love these two a lot and i was thinking abt how much it actually must suck for crypto to like. be undercover and shit so. this is my take on that, and how octane would deal with like, a genuine serious situation about someone he cares abt
> 
> also i just wanna say that a lot of this is heavily inspired by [MikeWritesThings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MikeWritesThings/pseuds/MikeWritesThings). you are the back bone of this tag, and i appreciate everything you write. bless you for all your incredible fics, i am constantly re-reading them. i hope you have a great day
> 
> tw: crypto talks in depth about a time where he felt suicidal. it never goes any further than thoughts and writing a note, but this may be upsetting for people so be advised. similarly, this deals with octane and his reactions to this which are a little, well, _octane_ so they're awkward and a touch insensitive
> 
> a couple of references to sex but nothing explicit
> 
> octane also causes himself a very minor injury with his butterfly knife, and references a time where he had a slightly bigger injury with it, both are accidental!
> 
> i hope you enjoy!

It was nice being around at Taejoon’s. It was usually cleaner than his own space, although not by much, and it always amused Octavio how messy his apartment actually was given how pristine his boyfriend’s space on the dropship was usually kept. And when they were here his boyfriend eased up a little, didn’t try to hide his smiles or hold back remarks, and also when they were here Octavio was actually permitted to touch him, unlike on the dropship where he was always so stuffy (although recently he’d finally caved and started letting Octavio lay on him because hey, he did that to everyone,  _ you can remove the stick from your ass just a little bit ‘Joon, it's not gonna kill you _ .)

But Tae was busy with his whole ‘hacker’ thing and Octavio was bored. Super bored. And alright alright, he got it, the hacker stuff was important, he was trying to clear his name and blah blah blah, entendido. But he’d been at it for hours now and really there was only so much to keep Octavio occupied at any one point. He’d already played games, checked his phone, and clowned Elliott on social media, what  _ else  _ was he supposed to do to keep himself occupied whilst he waited? He tried letting out a loud sigh to indicate to his boyfriend that he should be getting on with better things, like making out with him. But Tae didn’t even twitch, let alone look away from the screen, which made Octavio scowl and stick his tongue out at the man’s back. Maybe when they did eventually get around to making out he’d get the other hot and bothered on purpose and then leave him to sort himself out. Although that would mean denying himself getting laid and he wasn’t sure he was ready to take that off the table yet since this was, after all, one of their first free weekends in a while and he wanted to utilise it as much as possible. 

Apparently Taejoon had a different idea as to what utilising their free time meant.

In his most current attempt to shake off the boredom, Octavio was busy messing about with his butterfly knife without paying much attention to it, the voice of Che in his head reminding him that playing with it without looking at what he was doing was going to bite him in the ass. She needed to not worry so much, the worst he’d ever done with it was accidentally slice his palm open and it wasn’t even that deep, it only needed two stitches.

But whilst he was busy day dreaming and going down a very nice train of thought about being in Taejoon’s lap, he did manage to catch his finger, which caused him to hiss and drop the knife, which rolled on the floor and disappeared under the couch. With a sigh he quickly sucked away the blood on his finger and grumbled as he knelt down on the ground to reach under and find it, since Tae hadn’t even bothered to acknowledge that something was happening behind him. There wasn’t the biggest gap between the bottom of the couch and the floor, so Octavio reached blindly underneath and pulled out whatever he grabbed onto, figuring he’d find it eventually. There wasn’t much under there, he pulled out a take away leaflet and some crumpled up paper, but he did manage to find his knife without catching himself with it again.

What actually grabbed his attention however was the paper he’d pulled out that was currently scattered around him. They were all screwed up, like they’d been purposefully scrunched up and discarded, and that was very curious. His boyfriend was still yet to pay him any attention which first of all, rude, what if he’d actually hurt himself, but for now it worked in his favour. Tae was always fussy about Octavio snooping through his things, even though he’d already told him about all the important stuff, or had at least told him everything he’d been willing to divulge. Which fair enough he guessed, but still c’mon, he had absolutely zero interest in getting dirt on him. Maybe he just wanted to know things about his boyfriend after all this time, he didn’t realise that was such a crime, _ fun fact boyfriends tend to know things about each other in case you’d not noticed _ .

The first two pieces were pretty boring, mainly since it was just a few crossed out things written in Korean so Octavio couldn’t actually read it, but the third one had a tiny bit of English written on it as well. It was probably just a grocery list but still, he let his eyes scour the page eager to see if his boyfriend had written something embarrassing that he could tease him for. 

However as he read it over it soon became clear that it wasn’t an old grocery list.

There wasn’t a whole lot written that he could understand, but there was enough that he got the idea. He recognised Mila’s name and the word ‘sorry’ listed repeatedly. He looked up from the note back to Taejoon and then back to the note. Surely it couldn’t be that. No way. Tae wouldn’t write something like that, right?

Right?

The thing was, they didn’t really talk about feelings. Feelings were gross and sure, they liked each other, they were attracted to each other, they were dating and pretty happy about it. But that didn’t mean they actually talked about the fact they liked each other, that would be weird. In fact the only times they’d actually had a serious conversation was when they’d agreed to properly date instead of just fucking in secret, and when Tae had explained to him about why he was the way that he was and what had happened to him and that whole situation. But apart from those two instances they just didn’t talk about anything important. They didn’t need to, they were on the same wavelength and that was great and it was so much better than any of his previous boyfriends. For the most part, they just understood each other.

But as he looked at the note again, Octavio thought that this might be something they needed to talk about. 

The problem was he had no clue how to approach this. Subtlety had never really been his strong suit but he also wasn’t as insensitive as people thought him out to be, and he didn’t think blurting out ‘hey are you planning to kill yourself’ was the best way to start a conversation. But this was why he never had serious discussions, he didn’t like talking about feelings because he was always shit at describing them and his meanings always seemed to get jumbled up whilst he tried to explain himself. Though that could have just been because the English language fucking sucked but regardless his point still stood. He wondered how recent this was. Had there been signs there? Had he just not noticed? He’d like to think he was pretty attentive to his boyfriend, he always knew when he was annoyed (even if he kept pushing him or teasing him after this point), knew when he was secretly pleased with something, when he really liked a food he was eating, knew when he was horny and- 

Not important. Clearly he’d missed something somewhere.

In the past people had presumed similar things about himself. It had been a question always asked by doctors when he was seriously injured from a stunt, and especially as a teen when his father had sent him to therapy in an attempt to try ‘fix him’, which never lasted for more than a single session across a variety of different therapists. But no, he wasn’t suicidal thanks, the risk of dying in his stunts was all part of the adrenaline rush, where was the fun otherwise? There was no point in doing the things he did if they were safe. People told him he should have more regard for his own life (he remembered one particular incident where even Che had broached the topic with him, who was both relieved and annoyed when he explained himself) but whatever, he looked cool as fuck doing what he did. Would care for his well being have gotten him the world record when he blew his own legs off with a frag? No, so fuck the doctors and the therapists and the psychoanalyists, none of their opinions mattered.

But despite that, he was aware that whilst he was more obvious in his recklessness, all of them participating in the Games had a similar streak in them. They had to. Even the more sensible ones like Che or Natalie, noble reasons aside, they still had fun during matches. Normal people didn’t do what they did. And especially Tae, to be so close to the people he was trying to bring down? That was more than bravery, that was dangerous (and kinda hot honestly). But even with that daring side to them all, this didn’t feel like that. They may all be a little messed up to be doing what they did, this felt like it was on a different level.

In his thinking he’d gone surprisingly still, and Tae, knowing that when Tavi was quiet and not moving was usually when he was planning something, paused briefly in what he was doing to turn a fraction in his chair and look over his shoulder, glancing over to make sure he wasn’t cutting up clothes or something. Not that him doing that was an issue, so long as it was his own clothes and not Tae’s. He still missed that hoodie, he thought about it every time he got cold. 

Seeing him turn, Octavio quickly sat back on the couch and shoved the paper under one of the cushions, before whistling away and trying to act as nonchalant as possible. Tae raised an eyebrow and Octavio just shrugged at him.

“What?” He asked defensively.

“You’re being quiet.”

“I’ve been quiet this whole time.”

“You’ve been complaining non-stop for the past two hours.”

“So you were listening!”

Tae scoffed. “I told you I had work to do first.”

“But I’m right here, we could have been making out this whole time. I’m more interesting than that screen bonito.”

Tae just gave him a look. “Octavio.”

“Fine, whatever. I’m not doing anything! Go back to your stupid hacker stuff.” On second thoughts maybe he didn’t want to have this conversation after all. There was no way he wasn’t going to fuck it up. It was fine. It was probably a mistake. He’d just misunderstood what he read. Most of it was in Korean anway, he was just missing the context. Tae was fine, and he was fine. Everything was fine.

Tae kept staring at him, and his leg started to bounce under his gaze. Why was he looking at him like that? Why did he choose now to pay attention to him? Octavio stared back with an equally intense look until Tae went back to the computer, which made him think he was in the clear until Tae closed whatever programme he was working on and then turned back to face him again.

“What’s wrong with you? You’re being weird.”

“Uhhhhh no I’m not,  _ you’re  _ being weird.”

Tae rolled his eyes and folded his arms over his chest, still staring at him. For a man who hated eye contact he was sure doing a lot of staring. It was dumb, why was Octavio the one being interrogated here, surely he wasn’t being that suspicious.  _ He  _ wasn’t the one writing weird notes and crumpling them up to throw them under the couch! So why was he getting picked on? 

“You’re only ever quiet when you’re asleep or planning something, so what gives? I‘ll give you attention when I’m done. I told you I’d be busy for a while, you chose to come early.” 

“Kinda getting mixed signals here cariño, do you want me to talk or not?”

Tae sighed, frustrated, and Ocatvio could feel his leg bounce more intensely than before as his nerves started to build. Most of the time he liked being nervous, it was something that he could funnel into bouts of energy, but this was decidedly not the fun kind of nervous he was used to experiencing. Tae took a deep breath, clearly pushing aside some of his frustration.

“I’m just asking if you’re okay.”

“Me?” Octavio let out a disbelieving laugh. “You’re the one that’s not okay!”

Tae blinked in surprise. “What?”

Well. That wasn’t exactly how he wanted to bring it up but fuck it, apparently this was how it was happening. He reached under the cushion and pulled out the note he’d shoved under there and waved it about. “This! You leave notes like this around and you’re asking me if I’m okay?”

This would be the clarification he needed that he’d just misunderstood. Tae would read it and tell him he was an idiot and then go throw it in the bin. And then they’d actually do stuff together and they could forget all about it and he wouldn’t have to think about it anymore. But when Tae leant forward to read what was on the paper, his eyes widened and Octavio felt his heart do something funny at the look that passed over his boyfriend’s face.  _ Oh,  _ Octavio thought,  _ mierda _ .

“That’s… Not what it looks like.” Tae finished lamely, running a hand through his hair with a guilty expression.

Octavio looked at the writing on the note again. “Isn’t it?” He asked, incredulous.

Tae groaned. “Well. Kind of. It’s not… I don’t feel like that anymore. I’m fine, it’s from a while ago.”

Octavio played with the paper in his hands, pulling it and trying to smooth out all the creases, still trying to wrap his head around the fact that this was a thing that was happening, or had happened, or whatever. 

“How long is a while?” 

Watching his expression, he could tell that this wasn’t something he really wanted to talk about, the way Tae frowned and looked at the paper like it just snitched on him or something. He sighed and stuck a hand in his pocket, where Octavio knew for a fact that he was fiddling with his cube. 

“It was before we ever got involved.” He mumbled, almost embarrassed, and Tav wasn’t sure whether to go up and shake him for acting like this wasn’t a big deal, or whether to go give him a hug and be sappy because uh? This was in fact a big deal. A huge deal. Massive.

“Do we have to talk about this?” Tae asked, the hope in his voice evident.

“If you don’t want me to be paranoid about whether I can leave you alone in a room or not, yeah I think you should start talking.”

He grimaced. “You don’t- I’m fine. I said I was fine.”

“Nope. No esta vez. Gonna need an explanation for this one amigo.”

Resigning himself to the fact that yes, they were going to have this conversation, Tae turned his computer off completely and got up from his desk chair, taking the few steps over to the couch and slumping down next to his boyfriend. He took the paper out of the other’s hand and read the words over, as Octavio kept his eyes on him, waiting for him to start explaining himself. “It really was a long time ago…” He started, finally tearing his gaze away from the paper and putting the note on the coffee table in front of them, where it sat on top of an old pizza box.

“You said it was before we starting fucking?”

His boyfriend shot him a look for putting it that way, but it was the truth. “Yeah, a couple of months before. Maybe a year ago now.”

“You don’t even like texting me, kinda surprised you’d leave something as big as this lying around.”

“It wasn’t.... Where did you even find it anyway?”

“Under the couch.”

“Right.”

To stop his leg from bouncing so much, Ocatvio brought them both up so he could sit cross-legged, and to keep his hands from wandering he grabbed a cushion that he wrapped his arms around, so he could pick at the loose threads. He vowed to try not interject and let Tae take it at his own pace, but the nerves from earlier were still on high and he had so many questions.

“I honestly didn’t know it was under there. I thought I’d gotten rid of them. That week was… I don’t remember much of it, the days blurred together. It wasn’t a pleasant time.”

“But why would you even write it? You haven’t… I just don’t get it.”

Taejoon sighed deeply and ran a hand over his face. “Aish _... _ Things were just… Difficult. Really difficult. I wasn’t making any progress in my research, and I hadn’t for a while. Kept getting locked out of databases, leads were turning up dead ends, anytime I managed to get anywhere with what I was doing something went wrong. You don’t know how frustrating that was. For everything to keep fucking up, no matter what I did.”

He took a deep breath, thinking back to that time. “I know you all call me paranoid, but it’s not some quirky personality trait. I don’t act like this for fun, it’s to keep me alive. I have to think everything through, I have to be five steps ahead and I can’t afford to make any mistake or it’s going to get me killed. And now I have to worry about getting you killed too.”

“We talked about this, you’re not gonna get me killed.”

“Just because you say that doesn’t mean I don’t worry about it. I am always going to worry about it. I know what they can do.”

He went quiet for a moment and Octavio pulled out one of the threads from the cushion he was holding, waiting for his boyfriend to speak again. Tae shut his eyes for a second, his hands resting on his thighs and Octavio could see the slight tremor running through them.

“It’s fucking exhausting to have to be on high alert all the time. And with everything going wrong back then it was a lot. And I...” He trailed off before looking his boyfriend in the eye.

“I was so lonely Tav. You don’t even know how lonely it was, not having anyone I could trust apart from a single person who was at risk every time I contacted her. Nobody knew my real name. And I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to hear it again and that hurt. I didn’t have any friends because I couldn’t, and on top of it all there were the Games which were so much harder than I thought they’d be. I was so tired of it, all of it. And it got to a point where I started to wonder whether Mila was even alive after all, since I’d not turned anything up on her whereabouts. It felt awful to even consider it but I couldn’t find anything no matter where I looked so…”

He sighed. “So things just built up. And I had no one I could turn to about it. I had a bad week, and I wrote those in case I needed them. But I got out of it, and I’ve not felt like that since then. That’s all there is to say.”

For once, Octavio kept quiet after he’d finished speaking, letting a silence fall between them. Honestly? It was a lot to take in. And it was difficult to wrap his head around, that things could have been that bad for his boyfriend. Sure, theoretically he knew about all the stuff Tae was doing to try to clear his name, he was aware that it stressed him out, but up until now he’d never really thought about the implications of it all. When they’d gotten involved he’d seen Taejoon start to chill out a little bit, and he’d prided himself on being a good enough lay that he’d made the guy a less uptight than usual. Then when things got serious and he’d been informed about The Situation™, Taejoon seemed to calm down even more. Not massively so, he was still on edge most of the time, but when they were alone together he seemed to actually relax. Octavio knew he got stressed but he’d never thought it was anything more than that - just stress. But with all this new information, all he could think about was how recent events might have messed with his boyfriend’s head. Maybe they’d put him back in that place again.

“You’ve never felt like that again? Not even with what happened with Wattson? And Nox?”

A dark look passed over Tae’s face at the mention of Nox, but he shook his head. “No. Not even with that. I told you, I’m fine now. I wouldn’t let someone like Caustic get to me like that. Everything is going the way it should be. I know Mila’s alive... And I have you. Things are falling into place, I’m getting closer and closer to clearing my name. I couldn’t imagine giving up now.”

Octane couldn’t help but briefly look back over to where the note lay on the coffee table, but before he could look at it for too long he felt a finger under his chin, and Tae tilted his face back so they were staring at each other.

“I’m okay Tavi-yah.” He said quietly, looking him in the eyes as he did so. Fuck, he was so weak for him when he used that nickname. But-

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

Yeah. Okay. That was good enough for him. Hearing about all of that was way more than he knew how to handle and if his boyfriend said he really was okay, then fuck it, Octavio was going to believe him. It wasn’t something he was going to forget anytime soon, but maybe he would stop giving him so much shit for being so paranoid. Also maybe try kick Nox’s ass in the next match, because even if Tae said it hadn’t made him feel that bad, Octavio had still had to witness the fallout of that entire situation and well. He’d kick his ass just in case. 

He tossed the cushion he’d been picking at to one side and shuffled about, seating himself in Tae’s lap, his metal knees resting either side of his thighs, whilst he wrapped his arms around his neck. Tae seemed a little confused for a second, as if waiting for him to do something else, but soon enough returned the embrace, his own arms wrapping around Octavio’s waist, with his head buried in his neck.

“Don’t say a word compadre.” 

He could feel Taejoon smiling against his skin which was good, he wanted him to smile. He was cute when he smiled. And Octavio liked it when Tae did cute things. A hug was about all he could offer in terms of comfort. He didn’t really have the words to say, nor did he really want to discuss it much further. But this? This he could do. After a couple of minutes he pulled back, really wanting to shift the mood. The air between the two of them was way too serious and if there was one thing he was good at, it was lightening a situation. 

“So… Do you want to make out now?” He asked, and Tae rolled his eyes fondly, trying (and failing) to hide his smile as the tension visibly seemed to leave him.

“After all that you still wanna make out?”

“Uh, duh. Have you ever known anything to get in the way of me trying to make out with you? At any moment I am trying to get you to kiss me. Get with the programme ‘Joon.”

“Right.”

“You said you’re okay, so prove it. Kiss me.” Octavio challenged, and Tae let out an amused huff, his hands coming up to hold onto Octavio’s waist, thumbs rubbing gently at the bare skin there as he tilted his head up and kissed him. Ocatvio immediately leaned forward to kiss him back, the last remains of concern melting away as he sunk his hands into his boyfriend's hair. Yeah, this was good. They were good. 

They were gonna be okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> y'know one of these days i will write my debut fic for a ship without it being some kind of intense heavy discussion but that day is yet to come
> 
> please comment if you can! i was terrified abt posting this lmao 
> 
> also if you're here from my miragehound fics, i have two more i'm working on rn so they'll be posted in the next week or two!
> 
> translations below, lemme know if i got any wrong, google translate is not Ideal
> 
> ****
> 
> Entendido - Understood  
> Bonito - Term of endearment, along the lines of ‘pretty or cute’  
> Cariño - Term of endearment, like ‘dear’  
> Mierda - Shit  
> No esta vez - Not this time  
> Aish - Crap
> 
> ****
> 
> tumblr: [doubletaptrigger](https://doubletaptrigger.tumblr.com/)  
> twitter: [loopunderground](https://twitter.com/loopunderground)


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